When I try to remember when was the first time I had to hide a part of my personality from my family, it takes me back to 1990, when I was 5 years old!
I remember spending the weekends at my grandparent`s house where I get to play outside away from my grandmother`s eyes. There was a railway close to their house and the train passes by 2 times daily. One day I wanted to try what I see in cartoons. So I took some soap and rubbed the railway lines with it and waited to see if the train will slide when it pass but my game had to stop when I heard my grandmother asking me what I was doing and my answer came : nothing I am just cleaning the railway !
That wasn`t the last time I had to lie about what I like and what I do. I grew up as many others, hiding the true me from the closest persons in my life. Not because I don’t accept my self but because in my country where the tradition plays a stronger role than the law, it’s never easy to not follow what everyone around you expect from you.
It took me 16 years until I had to choose between telling my family my true identity and leaving their house to start a new life by my self where I can be the real me. I knew that they will discover my sexual identity if I stay and I knew it will mean the end of my life so I had to choose to live by my self and struggle in this life in order to save my self and be who I am.
3 years ago, I started my own life in my country which I love, Jordan. Jordan is a very peaceful country where homosexuality has never been illegal. But as I said it’s a country where the tradition plays a stronger role than the law. I started working to live and even there I had to hide a part of who I am even that my boss is gay! The first thing he told me when he hired me is that I have to act straight in order to keep his sexual orientation in the dark.
If you come to my country, you may see two guys holding hands and walking in a sign of friendship. And you may see many gay guys walking in the streets freely or going to gay friendly areas or if you are lucky enough, you would be here on Thursdays when we have a party for gay guys at one of the gay-friendly clubs or maybe you will have to wake up and put on your straight mask and start your daily life, go to work until you go back home then your real life can start. But if you were with your straight friends or coworkers and you were caught checking out a guy, it wont work to say : nothing I am just cleaning the railway.
Big hug & thanks for his text to "Big Star" Ali.
